The 5 Stages Of Grief - Let's Take Things One Step At A Time

Last updated by Katie M.

Is there any absence that causes more pain? There comes a time, at a certain age, when most of us have already experienced this drama, this absolute loss. Throughout our lives, death is our companion, walking alongside us, but when it affects those we love, how do we live with this absence? How do we stay alive when death strikes? How can we get over a bereavement?

The 5 Stages Of Grief - Let's Take Things One Step At A Time
Contents: 

Death, as dramatic as it is commonplace

Whether it happens like a slap to the face, or whether it has already become part of our daily life, when death makes an appearance, everything falls apart and only pain remains. No matter how much we know about it, how much we know it will happen, it’s impossible to prepare yourself for the sense of lacking, the emptiness that nothing will ever fill again. Suffering the loss of a parent, facing the death of a husband or a friend, is losing a part of our lives. We will never have another mother or father; we’ll never again have this person by our side. Grief must not be underestimated, and it takes time to recover. A relatively long time that we must accept in order to learn to live again.

Grief as great as the attachment

When we lose someone, mourning begins automatically. It’s a vital process, commensurate with the attachment linking you to this person. Death is a rupture, and mourning allows for it to be repaired and even healed. It is therefore a necessary step and the greater the grief, the longer and more intense it will be. It’s only normal.

The 5 stages of grief: A time for each emotion

The stages of grief are used to describe and understand the process. However, as is often the case for humans, nothing is set in stone. The stages of grief do not always take place in chronological order. One stage may go by, then come back, others may overlap. Some will last a long time, while others will be more short-term. These 5 stages are reference points that enable us to know where we’re at and to put a name to the emotions we’re feeling, but they are specific to each person. The process of grief depends on who we are.

What are these stages?

The psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross defined the 5 stages of grief. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. These are the 5 stages a person goes through during the grief process. It is by no means a question of putting all our emotions as a bereaved person into these boxes. These stages allow us to give a name and define what we feel, and help us to move forward one step at a time, at our own rhythm.

1. Denial, shock

It’s this phase of disbelief, almost anesthesia, that seizes us all when we learn of the death of a loved one: “it can’t be!” Even if depending on the circumstances we are able to prepare for a death, it’s impossible to imagine that we will never see this person again. That we’ll never hear them again, that we’ll never speak to them again, hold their hand, kiss them… Unimaginable! Denial is therefore the stage that allows us to survive this news. Sometimes we even find ourselves searching for information, trying to understand the death and to find an explanation for it. “What could have prevented it?” This denial pushes aside grief by refusing the fatality of death. Little by little, however, reality will resurface.

2. Anger

When death occurs, it’s healthy to welcome your anger. If we block out this anger, it will be hard to get rid of. Death is unjust, and so anger is legitimate, we must let it pass and live with it, even if it is excessive, may seem displaced or illogical, it’s part of the process. It’s impossible to rebuild yourself if you don’t let your anger be expressed. Often anger is all over the place: “why didn’t he/she pay more attention?”, “why didn’t I take more care of him/her?”, “why didn’t the doctors do more?” … This is one of the most difficult stages because it is exhausting and can leave us isolated from our loved ones, who we need most at times like this. Yet, I’ll repeat it, this anger is necessary in the process of mourning, it is the confirmation of our attachment and our love for the person we’ve lost. It’s also a sign that we’re making progress in our grief.

3. Bargaining

It’s a stage that also occurs when we learn that a loved one will soon die. We bargain: “and if… we found a treatment quickly.” “God, I promise I’ll dedicate my life to others if you let him/her live”, “if only I could wake up and realize this was all just a nightmare.” Bargaining is an act, a desperate thought. Our sense of helplessness is so great that we refuse to accept the reality and detach ourselves from it completely. It’s a phase of delusion in which our mind tries to alter the past in order to change reality.

4. Depression

The end of the bargaining comes when we become aware of the unyielding reality, and we come back to the present: the loss, the absence, the emptiness. What is the only valid response to this reality? Sadness and depression. Not a depression linked to a mental illness, but the appropriate response to the loss of a loved one. This period of depression is therefore completely normal. We must not be repaired but accompanied. This period can seem endless because it seems insurmountable: we have come out of our daze and the reality is striking, the emotions that overwhelm us at this moment are violent. This depression makes us isolated, disturbs our sleep and appetite, exhausts us, etc. We are completely distressed, and yet we must accept this sadness as a necessary caller that will allow us to assimilate this grief, to rebuild and strengthen ourselves. We must accept this depression and make room for it. It will only go away when we have the strength to accept it. Of course, sadness is special because it can come back from time to time. That’s how grief works.

5. Acceptance

Acceptance isn’t the end of the pain, and even less the forgetting. Acceptance is a phase of rebuilding, during which we accept the reality of the situation. Life (another life) goes on, and we start to move forward with more energy and physical and mental capacity. This is the time when we must reorganize our lives without this person we’ve lost. This stage is also the acceptance that our lives have changed forever, that we have to readjust after this dramatic situation. Things can’t go back to the way they were before.

What next? Forgetting?

To mourn is to go through the process of mourning. This process of mourning consists of accepting the death, the loss of a person we love. It is not at all a case of forgetting. How can you forget? How can you turn the page and move on? We often think wrongly that once the mourning is done, we move on and forget the person we loved. No, of course not. And if you think that, how can you grieve properly? Of course, in these conditions, we refuse to grieve. But let’s never forget that mourning is not forgetting. Mourning is learning to live with this absence. A death leaves an indelible mark on us. At the end of a bereavement, we will never be the person we were before, but we will be able to feel joy, pleasure, happiness and live with the scar, even if from time to time, it will prove painful.

Behavioral changes after bereavement: The consequences on our health

In spite of the stages involved, grief is obviously never simple and can have serious consequences on our mental or psychological health. For example, it is a major factor in the risk of suicide and/or addictive and dangerous behaviors (alcohol, medication, drugs, dangerous driving). 5 % of bereaved people may even suffer from pathological grief. This means that a complicated grief that can be particularly prolonged can lead to someone contracting a mental or physical illness. The bereaved person may suffer from deep depression, anxiety disorders, and even develop ulcers, heart problems or cancer. The more sudden the death, the more the living feel guilty and the higher the risk of pathological grief.

Editor's advice: Because we all need help and advice

Grieving is a difficult process, and each situation is different. Being accompanied by a therapist during this process is very effective, especially if you have trouble verbalizing your emotions. It is vital that you are able to express them in order to move on. If you are feeling emotions such as guilt, anger, or if you had a conflictual relationship with the person who died, do not hesitate to make an appointment.

Other articles you should check out:

Article presented by
Katie, M.

"🌻 Discover the world through my eyes."

Read our latest articles here:

5 Tips to Step Out of Your Comfort Zone: Embrace the Unknown!

I’m starting to get tired of the routine and daily grind. Yet, I’m hesitant to step out of my comfort zone and take the leap. My bubble is reassuring, and so far, I’ve thrived in it, but I no longer want to be held back by the fear of trying new things. Stepping out of your comfort zone brings many benefits, so how can you dare to take the plunge? Here are 5 tips to get started! 💪

New Year’s Resolutions: Choose Them Wisely or Give Yourself a Break!

We tend to think of New Year as a sort of fresh start, making it the perfect time to break a bad habit and adopt a better one. After all, we all want to be better, so it’s natural to want to make good resolutions to bring about change. But what happens when we don’t stick to them? After years and years of watching t-shirts pile up because “this year, I’m starting to exercise” and never following through, hello, sense of failure! So, what do we do with New Year’s resolutions? Do we choose better ones or just forget about them altogether? 🥳

What is Neuroatypicality? Why Is It Being Talked About?

If there’s one article I was eager to write for Wengood, it’s this one. I’m part of what’s called the “neuro-A” community, in other words, “neuroatypical” individuals. It might be a term you’ve heard before without really knowing what it means. So, what is neuroatypicality or neurodivergence? Is it an illness? A personality trait? A way of functioning? If you’re asking yourself these questions, you’re in the right place—I’m here to answer them.

Intermittent Explosive Disorder: When Anger Becomes Destructive

Intense anger outbursts, disproportionate verbal and physical aggression… These are all signs that may indicate intermittent explosive disorder (IED). I know what I’m talking about because someone in my family has it. For a long time, I struggled to understand their explosive anger reactions. I think they themselves didn’t know why they reacted that way… until they were diagnosed. Let me explain.

How to Dare to Approach Others? 7 Tips to Follow

The big introvert that I am has long struggled to approach others. It’s true that taking a step toward someone isn’t easy, especially when you’re dealing with additional challenges: introversion, lack of self-confidence, social anxiety… Having experienced all of this myself, but having made progress over the past few years, I have a few tips to share with you so that you too can come out of your shell. Let’s get started!

The Psychological Impact of a Burglary: How to Overcome It?

If I’ve never experienced a burglary as an adult, I did go through it during my childhood. I remember the uneasy feeling of knowing that strangers had entered our home. I kept wondering if they would come back… The psychological impact of a burglary should not be underestimated. What does it trigger? How can one overcome the feelings of fear and insecurity? Let me share my thoughts with you.

Is Working With Your Partner A Good Or Bad Idea?

Sharing everything with your partner is a sign of a healthy relationship for some people, even when it comes to working. However, that being said, for others, working with their partner just seems like a bad idea and the perfect recipe for tension. Do we need to separate our personal and professional lives, or is it okay to blur the lines and mix everything? After all, what could do wrong? Find out how to cope when your significant other is also your coworker!

My Sister Is Jealous Of Me

“In any case, you’re the favorite.” I’ve heard this phrase coming from my sister’s mouth over and over again. For a long time, her jealousy spoiled our lives, but I only wanted one thing: for us to be close and united. She poured her resentment in my face for many years until it got out of control. I couldn’t stand feeling so much anger and guilt at the same time. Soothing 30 years of jealousy hasn’t been easy, but there are ways to avoid getting to that point. I didn’t want jealousy to cut me off from my sister!

How Do Narcissistic People Treat Their Children?

Growing up with narcissistic parents is certainly no easy feat, because, let's face it, people with this disorder are unsympathetic, selfish, manipulative, egotistical, and dishonest, yes, that's right, these traits aren't exactly those showcased by the parents of the year. Realistically, these folks simply don't have the basic qualities required to become good parents, which is why, when they choose to have a family, things often spin out of control, and the narcissistic abuse undoubtedly crushes children's mental health.

Why Do I Want To Seduce Everyone? Compulsive Seduction Explained

Is the gaze and approval of others essential for you? Are you incapable of saying no? Do you do everything you can to get yourself noticed? This excessive need to please may well be indicative of a profound uneasiness. Why do you need to feel validated by other people so much? And how can you free yourself from this oppressing tendency? We reveal everything you need to know for a more straightforward lifestyle.



Wengood's favorite tunes 🎵

Wengood's playlist

wengood

  1. Only LoveBen Howard
    4:08
  2. Invalid date
  3. Fix YouColdplay
    4:55
  4. Beautiful DayU2
    4:08
  5. Thinking out LoudEd Sheeran
    4:41
  6. White FlagDido
    4:00
  7. Lay Me DownSam Smith
    4:13
  8. Nine Million BicyclesKatie Melua
    3:17
  9. Put Your Records OnCorinne Bailey Rae
    3:35
  10. Summertime SadnessLana Del Rey
    4:24
  11. Imagine - Remastered 2010John Lennon
    3:07
  12. Shake It OutFlorence + The Machine
    4:37
  13. Space Oddity - Love You Til Tuesday versionDavid Bowie
    3:46
  14. What A Wonderful WorldLouis Armstrong
    2:17
  15. With Or Without YouU2
    4:56
  16. HelloAdele
    4:55
  17. Don't Stop Me NowQueen
    3:29
  18. Skinny LoveBirdy
    3:21
  19. WingsBirdy
    4:12
  20. Californian SoilLondon Grammar
    3:41

How to detect a narcissist

How to detect a narcissist

How to soothe an anxiety attack

How to soothe an anxiety attack